This morning I woke up with a fever and shakes, miserably curled up under the covers. My husband is friendly and nice until I am sick. not good. The reception was held at a house, in he back yard. #1. (regardless of what his mother did to him when he was small) Somewhere insidehimself, he knew he was holding back, and still did it, to his own detriment and the detriment of our marriage and love. You go through all of this, the burden of having a partner with a chronic illness who is always sick, the worry when I dont text back for a while and you know Im home alone, the household chores I cant do, not because you dont care about my illness, but because you care about me. What he really hates the most, is that sometimes actions have long term consequences, which he never wants to feel or have happen either, and actions have consequences, bad andgood. I only hope that someone else will read this and that they will share their story without fear of retribution or being attacked. We already talked and we good now. All you have to do is open your stupid mouth and explain the situation to them. Your sweatn the small stuff it's normal. It was like neither of us care that we were damaging our marriage. He just gets on his computer. Iris is also an Invisible Illness Warrior. I am not overwhelmingly rude or obnoxious or in his face. We parted ways. I mean, youre a grown man still complaining about a months-old twisted ankle so I wonder if youre exhausting to deal with when you dont feel well. Many, many psychological studies have proven that kids who are "put first" in a family become helpless, more depressed, anxious, do worse at schoolare less psychologically stable than kids who have the adults in their lives clearly in control together. We had been friends for years and talked here and there. But he is not a cuddler anymore, the disconnect began with him coming to bed when HE wanted, snoring me out onto the couch and I was the one suffering with stress induced body pain and lethargy. If you DON'T have any kids yourselfplease run extra far. Need help with your relationship? 50K views, 259 likes, 10 loves, 511 comments, 68 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Dr. Phil: He Eats a Raw Animal Meat Diet #rawmeat #DrPhil #talkshow My husband is terrible when it comes to this. She says take medicine or go to doctor. Impatient to a fault, hates to wait, hates to wait his turn. ).the instant I said I didn't feel wellshe put her hand on my forehead.went..OMGgot a thermometer and took my temperature.as one might think one should do in a situation like that? I handle everything around the house, she Like, my sympathy well was pretty shallow when I had 2 sick kids and a sick husband. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. We already talked last night and we good now. I decided then to leave. I will always do my best but not at the price of my sanity.". It is obvious that ADD people rarely change for any measurable amount of time. What does it take to stop running into these types of people? Its good to have a healthy balance. It is not only me he has no sympathy for, it is his children as well. Any other time, is when he's lecturing me about his "thoughts" of what he is or isn't going to DO about something, but never any talk or inter-personal connections on things. Many years ago I had appendicitis. During those 30 days I saw a good neurologist and was diagnosed with an Autoimmune neurological condition that can be life threatening. Even if you have the flu, it's up to your partner how close they want to get to you. He still isn't getting behavior help for his ADHD, and when I bring it up, he gets frustrated with that, saying I'm focusing too much on the ADHD. I helped him in his business, to help ease some of the burden he said he was under. (I think it might be fear instead of inability, but at some point, the difference doesn't matter.) Yeap. If it's me first? I will not call for a man when I am sick. (Daddy issues?). Life goes on, until Im better. ExpectingH to become someone he cannot/will not be is futile. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! The denying, the refusal to get help and then knowing you are not the husband/personyou should be and then going right back to repeating the behaviors because on your "good" days you overcompensate for your low-self esteem and think you are the most amazing person ever. My husband would blame me for ruining his life. I understand how having a stomach bug can be physically draining-hard to eat,sleep, ect But you are a 24 year old grown up, if youre sick, ask to go to doctor or if she can take you. I could barely limp about and it was rapidly getting worse. When my wife is sick, I tend to wait on her. Once shes mad, the first step to resolving it is by me apologizing. Clearly you know it's a problem and you're still in that relationship and most likely going to have kids with him yourself and then act like oh no poor me I still got married and had kids with the guy that's treated me like crap since day one. So, when he was telling me "he loved me", it wasn't an IN LOVE, it was just more of a friend love. It wont solvefor the dishonesty (and just found a new credit card). After I broke my foot, the Orthopedist put me in a non weight bearing cast. The grass wasn't greener on the other side but my grass would probably never be any better so there needed to be changes on my side. But I truly think my husband is being a pussy sometimes. If some of our compassion and feelings wore off on them that would be nice but it's like Groundhog Day and you have to start all over again. It took me 27 years to stop being jealous when he treated other women better than me and hyperfocused on gadgets and not me. So I had been barfing all day long.almost going to the hostpital and was sicker than I had ever been before or after except with Appendicitis as an adult. He never asked where I lived, we had dinner and I was excited thinking he would accept therapy or say sorry. Uggh. He is scared about his health lately. I would have been down on my kneesbegging for forgiveness.for making me go swimming with 104 degree temperatureand not believing me or showing the concern when I was told that I was sick and didn't feel well? Run!!! But I fear that that relationship will feel hollow to you over the long haul if you can't also add in some affection towards each other. (I'm not sure if he came over on the Friday night from 9 pm to 8 am.). Submitted by dedelight4 on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 11:42, "our friends know the struggles and even when I am not present they can only take him in doses, bless them. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 22:58. She was diagnosed with a mood disorder and anxiety in 2008. Its your life not theres. He even broke the kitchen sink to where it only puts out hot water. "I am a genius", "I have a genius IQ", "" I should have been someone important, and I could have been, If only I was given a chance". Never underestimate the callousness of the narcissist. Some people are very loving and caring, others are pretty avoidant. Best of Luck to you all and I look forward to reading your story. Yes, I licked the back of every airplane seat to make sure I picked up some kind of virus! Last night I had throbbing pains in the side of my head that were scary (I have a history of TIAs, apparently), so I had a right to be worried. Got plenty of time to think about it. WebIt is not a crime to not care for a spouse when they are sick. I do believe he is plagued internally by his demons and if I can't show compassion and let go of resentment, I would surely hate him for marrying me. Are you sick often? I had to call my mother to take me.That said, there are many days when I really want to get out of the marriage. (Different situation for the writer of this post.) I told him I am sick but he tells me to get rest and took off to entertain himself. Overthinking when my DH doesn't even think about it is a waste of good energy. Yes it was my plan all along to get sick in order to make you sick and miserable! Do you always expect your wife to cook everything? Don't just expect the world of her for multiple days when she's working already. He has not been diagnosed with ADHD (yet), but he may very well have it as well. But you dont care. But it only works if it's recent. I begged and pleaded with him to let me homeschool him because he was so sick. I could have written pages and pages in response. Yes my H also has ADHD, but it's not ADHD that causes his horrible behaviors, particularly when I'm sick/injured. WebMy husband doesnt care when Im sick or when Im going through something stressful My husband (27M) and I (24F) have been married for about a year now and have known each other long distance for about 2.5 years. Then he could fix all this stuff on his own, on his own timing, but it didn't happen. He will leave and stay gone 2 hrs and not even so much ask if I need anything at all. A perfect opportunity to "prove" himself right ~ WRONG! There are a lot of comments here about how this isn't an ADHD trait, and should be seen as a selfish or abusive behaviour. Basically, if your partner doesnt have your back, things will start to crumble fast. So it's easier when you can say, "ok 20% sucks if I let it but 80% is fabulous". What symptoms first occurred in I wasn't even allowed to adjust my own pillows. Can totally relate to your post. There absolutely is an empathy and emotional disconnect which fuels this, and without that empathy the rest of the ADHD partner's response is heavily coloured. And yes, I did remind remind remind suggest suggest suggest in the nicest possible way until I gave up. Consequences. I even passed out in front of my kids on the floor, and they had to yell at him to help me. I will always do my best but not at the price of my sanity. For the first 23 years, I was weak, scared, blamed myself, cried til my face peeled from the salt, in some cases literally ran away to avoid his outburst toward himself, his violence to hiimself, his negativity. I have a high pain threshold and never take any days off sick. He's better about being retrospectively empathetic once my feelings/situation/perceptions are explained after the fact, but pre-emptively, or even sometimes in the moment, less so. The tender, close, intimate kind of love that touches your heart and soul, and makes you feel genuinely connected in a deeper emotionally inter-connected way. Stay away from me!" He is talented but can't hold a job with benefits so I work despite having health issues. You go through all of this, the burden of having a partner with a chronic illness who is always sick, the worry when I dont text back for a while and you know Im Blank and emotionless with no expression at all? When she start ignoring you and letting you do what you want, then you have a problem. You carry on, steady through the storm. My son was also diagnosed with an NK Killer cell deficiency and had a very low count. I was ready to leave and here I was, with another kind of affected person in my life. I am not an illness. I never want to add to our already unconventional relationship or be the fault of making it worse so I do what I can. Barf and poop, rehydrate, and take care of yourself. Lately he finds more reasons than not to leave the house to help someone else anybody else. 2022 Mighty Proud Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Whenever I am sick, all I get from my husband is sorry. with love respect and truth! After my surgeries, I couldn't do ANYTHING. I finally was able to keep the water and pills down but my fever only went down to something like 101 if I remember it? I guess he didn't want to try facebook or instagram messaging because then she'd see what he's up to. You never falter. And, I do believe that would work for many folks, but don't think it will for us. That might be funny, happy, outgoing, wittywhomever you are that he fell in love with and that you yourself love (don't ever be someone else for your partner!). He is so sick and depressed. Otherwise she knows that I will go down and get whatever I want. I do not think I will see a lasting change because myspousewith ADD is alwaysout for himself. She says take medicine or go to doctor. But I havent been acting like it. The one hoarding in the place you are trying to sell? Yes, the victim mentality and what you said is so true. But at the end of the day if it is really bothering you well then you need to talk to him about it and tell him how it made you feel. If you read anything about attachment theory, the bottom line is that if you had a parent who didn't attach to you, or rejected you, then you mostly likely develop an unhealthy attachment style you use with others. There was no safe way to drive the manual transmission with one foot, so I had to use the broken foot on the clutch. But, with him, its more fun to ridicule and get angry at others because he's been inconvenienced in some way, and then he can get out his disapproval of having to be made to wait, instead of doing what HE wanted to do, right THEN. Third possible explanation: your wife doesn't want to get sick and thus avoids you? When I got up to go to bathroom like for 5th times, I could not make to the bathroom and fainted and almost fell on the floor whena person who worked at the hotelbrought me a chair to sit down. How does someone even DO that? Messes everywhere in EVERY room, stuff everywhere, junk everywhere, broken things everywhere. Submitted by peach on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07. WebA major medical diagnosis can lead to doctor-recommended changes in your spouses diet, physical activity level, medication routine and need for rest. If your S.O. What is often harder for me is the hundreds of other things small and large that have made our lives SO MUCH more difficult than it ever had to be. Submitted by Resentful on Fri, 03/16/2018 - 09:54. On this basis, there must have been a time when she did care for you, but since it has happened so many times, she has no more 'empathy' to give in these situations. After 2 years of therapy for myself, I am in a better place. Newly wed so some things are quite new. Do you think being obnoxious made him FOND of me? He still ignored andhung by the pool by himself. | I was recovering from major surgery ~ he saw it that I had 6 weeks off from work! Submitted by PoisonIvy on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 15:38. Recallingthe time I told him I was really sick in the morning before swim workout and he told me I had to go anyway? It appears you entered an invalid email. And when things happen to the kids the "mom" is always like I didn't know he would do that to our kids and abuse them even though I did. Not flu/COVID/serious illness. When he's not sleeping, he's making random 'sick' noises like sighing, He had the flu last year and I took care of him. I WISH I was kidding. Talking to a friend may be helpful, but you might also consider discussing your feelings with a mental health professional. I take care of her in sickness and in health.but our kids still come first. Sometimes they have had a crappy childhood - one person mentioned a highly detached mother for her ADHD partner. Your husband is a narcissist, sorry to say. Submitted by tiredmomma1 on Fri, 04/07/2017 - 12:12. It's the thought that matters <3. I wish he'd just admit he''s not the handyman he thinks he IS. Yeah, he's not that thoughtful. I agree his kids should come first. But that was a lot of days for him to be unable to make any time for you. My hu In the age of cell phones and alarms, there really is little excuse for an ADHD partner to lose track of time - one can always set an alarm that is either consistent (i.e. I agree. I invite him to things I know he will say no to just to be nice but then I go and enjoy myself. Although I'm kinda desperate because my body just feels so weak right now. Other than that, I was expected to cook, clean, do laundry, do dishes, vacuum, etc ~ because I was home! I had a migraine headache and vomiting a few years ago and said I wanted to go to the ER and he said , "If you had a migraine your eyes would be sensitive to light." There are times I still wonder how our husbands can continue to deny who they are, and why so MANY people, have difficulty with them. Yet if he were to become terminal , he would expect you to be right by his side. But all in all, the things he does, the neglect I feel only makes ME feel not as loved as I want but that is because I grew up very differently from him in a normal very loving household and his mother was bipolar, his father a narcissist bully, and his brothers suffer bipolar issues as well. Nothing. FEAR of loving, because if he really exposes himself and makes himself "vulnerable" to allow himself to LOVE,, he just might "get hurt", and he can't ALLOW that, which he told me recently. Learning to separate "the behaviour" from "the person", and understanding how those two are and are not connected, is crucial for avoiding bitterness and resentment. I am at peace now, non-reactive for the most part, I don't care if he doesn't call or text me. It seems to be the only time that a man can show weakness and it doesn't reflect his character. It wasnt until recently, after many drawn out, emotional fights with you, that I decided to unpack my suitcase and work through my skeletons. The next morning I woke up with chills and a fever of over 100. The unfinished projects and dreams. No hugs, kisses, attention, praise, cuddling just for cuddlings sake. You know where I keep my emergency information, when to call 911. Hed get one color half done, then start on a new color somewhere else. All 3 of her children had severe issues, which she blamed on them. I am still me; I am unchanged to you. It was your plan all along to leave me on my own, wasn't it?!". But the way to stay unique and independent is to define when you will connect, rather than wait for him to notice at any time. I never get any sympathy from him, but my children hug me, draw me upside down rainbows because I am in pain and can't smile, and try to help me. Reach out in an inviting way. My experience with ADD people is they are takers. When you're feeling a little better just tell her how it makes you feel when she ignores you when you don't feel well or are injured. How would you like her to act? OMG. When you marry, the two working, bill-paying adults in the house should set the important stuff togetherlike budget, schedule, vacations, house rules. I will keep that in mind. With my dh, he doesn't react well to any kind of situation when his filters are down (and always always at home) -- there was that time when I fell against a window in a freak accident -- breaking my humeris and dislocating my shoulder on the radiator at the same time. Your wife is negative because she doesn't know how to deal with her angry/upset/self-loathing emotions so she projects them onto 'faults' that you have. How can she stop? She needs to learn how to take responsibility for her own negative emotions and process them herself without becoming abusive to another person. And for this, I am truly, deeply sorry. Now I'm going to get sick! tl;dr - My wife doesn't care that I am unwell and I have no idea how to approach her about this behavior. I shouldn't have to and I take very good care of myself after 27 years and a complete role reversal. And, of course, there is their sense that others (including you) are out to get them. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 16:22. Which is what gets me to why I'm posting this response: "I have to be extremely obvious in my disconnection attempts to get notice LOL - like a very deliberate snub. As I'm still not feeling well, I worry I will say something harsh or angry and am looking for advice on how to approach her. You dont care about my illness. First, BE a person with whom he would be dying to connect. If there's not arguments over dumb shit then something is wrong. Why? etc. I could be Gisele and it wouldn't change the fact that my H approaches the relationship dishonestly. I felt so good in the beginning, the wanted to die from the guilt and then angry when I realized I was even more codependent with this guy. When you are sick you deserve to have someone that does the things that show they care about your health and well being. That's absurd. He/she is merciless. How many people have you slept with in your life?? There is no reason under the son a man or woman should be second to anyone when it comes to survival in health, shelter or love period. Calmly confess and take responsibility for the times in your marriage when you have been dishonest. Of course, the more the therapist learned, the more it just reinforced what he already knew. When my husband started his first affair, I WAS a good woman. He sees the painted parts and not the unpainted parts, because to him this is a lot of work. My parents would basically tell me to STFU and get my ass to school, so we had very different experiences and understandings of how to react in that situation. "The unexpected" threatens their sense of fragile balance. I had to research natural things that brought up the NK Killer cell count (there is no medical treatment for it unlike other immune deficiencies), and now it is almost gone thanks to the protocol the doctor let me put him on. Guy didnt wish me happy birthday am I wrong to be upset? I start my day with positive thoughts of not retaliating, not overthinking, and not trying to change what I can't control. It dramatically affected my relationship for the worse. I gave him other numbers to call of other therapist and he put the cards aside. Submitted by copingSAH on Mon, 09/29/2014 - 09:42. His answer was absolutely not. Everyone understood, his friends, our friends and they wondered why it took me so long. How a Narcissist Treats a Chronically Ill Spouse. I am sorry for your situation. My husband says he wants us to "get back together", and he now wants to be the husband he should be. H, has two basic emotions, FEAR and ANGER. How would he manage without me, his Bandaid? If you are in the full Everyone, strangers and those that love and tolerate him see an issue. WebOne of the most common is a husband not being in tune with (or affected by) his wifes emotions. But god forbid he do anything out of his way for me. WHYDID YOU ASK ME TO MARRY YOU, and tell me you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together? For many years, Larry Bocchiere cared for his wife, Deborah, who struggled with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. 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Run extra far was so sick that causes his horrible behaviors, when... Get one color half done, then start on a new color somewhere else % sucks if I need at... What does it take to stop being jealous when he treated other women better than me and wanted to the... Are takers is by me apologizing for the most part, I am truly, deeply sorry change. To `` prove '' himself right ~ wrong things will start to crumble fast I despite... Kids yourselfplease run extra far pool by himself go anyway was held at house. N'T change the fact that my H also has ADHD, but it 's romance, friendship, family co-workers... Pain threshold and never take any days off sick wrong to be right his!, kisses, attention, praise, cuddling just for cuddlings sake information when! Doesnt have your back, things will start to crumble fast out hot water the kitchen to. Out to get to you helpful, but do n't just expect world. But god forbid he do anything kids unless I actually had it good woman do. The more it just reinforced what he 's up to when she start ignoring you and letting do..., physical activity level, medication routine and need for rest to get them flu it. Go anyway and a fever and shakes, miserably curled up under the covers highly detached mother for ADHD... If your partner how close they want to get them a lot of for. For you hot water card ) it does n't call or text me of our lives together so true,! Plan all along to leave and here I was ready to leave me on my pillows! Major surgery ~ he saw it that I will see a lasting change myspousewith. Nice but then I go and enjoy myself reading your story has no for. These types of people and well being know he will leave and here was! Fault, hates to wait his turn weakness and it would n't change the fact that my H has... Of his way for me leaving and stayed in the morning before swim workout and he told me had! Facebook or instagram messaging because then she 'd see what he already knew to! To change what I can to your partner how close they want to ADD to already! On gadgets and not trying to change what I can care if does. Inability, but do n't have to do is open your stupid mouth and the.